I declare myself officially heartbroken.

Yes, indeed i am.

I noe its getting kinda stale.

But tis is something i just can't escape.

I honestly dun noe wat else im supposed to do to stop having this feeling in me.

I have even thought of 'switching off' from everyone and just be alone.

But i noe, i can't.

I am too dependent on people around me.

People i call my family, frens and blogmates.

Somethin realli broke my heart this morning.

When i woke up and was getting ready for werk,

I saw a bag, usually placed in my mum's room,but it was in the living room instead.

Couldnt help it, i asked my maid abt it and she claimed tat another bag was already taken away and the other one was left behind.

Tat left me even more curious.

Curiosity kills rite?

So i open up the bag and saw some stuffs which breaks my heart even more.

Wats left behind was all memories of me i guess.

Things tat were bought with my hard earned money.

Some things which i guess would rekindle the old times.

So it just got me thinking.

I learn somethin this very morning.

Indirectly, it taught me how to move on once more.

Discarding things tat reminds u of ur past behind will sumhow helps i guess.

If you readers notice,

I will never leave home without my set of Tiffany bracelet and ring plus my white Guess watch.

I wore it on both my right and left hand wherever i go.

Its something realli precious to me.

This morning, i decided to just not wear them anymore.

I placed it nicely im Mummy's room before i left to werk.

Yes, today, both my left and right hands were left empty.

As empty as my heart.

I guess tats the best way of moving on.

By not hoping anymore.

True enuff, i can never erase the memories of years spent together.

I still love him like the very day we had our first kiss.

I never expected it could be this hard to move on once more.

I stopped all contacts with him.

Not even a single sms.

Tat was a stepping stone for me.

A stepping stone in getting over him.

But i guess i failed.

I am too weak.

Im such a failure.

Ladies out there took their time writing to me and sharing their life experiences, hoping i could move on.

I let you all down ladies.

I realli do.

N im sorry,

I just cant help but again bore u people with another heartbreaking entry of mine.

But y is it just so hard?

Y am i still hoping and clinging?

Y is tat so??

Some claimed tat i didnt give myself a chance to start dating someone new.

But how to?

How can i be out dating when my heart is still so torn??

Like wat i told my cousin last nite via msn.

Its never eay to move on.

Never.

Esp when tat man means so much in ur life.

Years passed and my heart still beats his name.

I have promised to stop blogging abt him.

I have promised to be happy for you people who care.

But yet, i still can't.

I am thankful though,

I still have a great family to fall back on.

I noe some of my aunts, uncles and cousins are reading this.

Like wat Mak told me last nite,

I am revealing too much of my life.

I told her i dun wish to be a hypocrite and show people the luxuries of my life when the truth is, i am still breaking inside.

I have nothing to boast abt besides being blessed with a great set of people surrounding me.

But my love life sucks.

Reaching 25 and i am still very much confused.

Perhaps i shall not end up getting married and just spend my remaining life taking care of my mum and Trisya.

To be honest,

Tats wat i intend to do.

Getting married is no joke.

I want to spend the rest of my life with someone i love.

How can i be physically married to someone but emotionally in love with someone else??

I dun dare to take tat risk.

Definitely not.

So dear readers,

Today, i apologise for this heartbreaking entry of mine once more.

Im sorry but this is the only space i can realli express wat i feel in me.

I left home today without my watch and my tiffany.

Its as much as leaving a huge part of me at home.

But nevertheless,

Life goes on rite?

i still remember telling him,

I wish for my happy ending.

But i dun wanna wait tat long just to be happy.

I wish to be happy and having both our parents blessing our marriage.

I wish to be happy having our family reunited and become as one.

I wish to be happy and sharing love from his dad cos i lost mine.

I wish to be happy sharing his joy and his pain.

I wish to be happy going shopping for his clothes like i always do.

But i cant be happy like tat no more.

I have suffered enuff.

I guess i deserve my fair share of happiness as well.

Insyallah, i will be fine.

I need lots of prayers from you people out there.

I noe some of you still care.

N tats y,

I am still holding on.

Till then.

Salam'